bumblingthru

HH-Watch 21st May 2012

Weather - Cloudy, Quite warm

Today, HH unashamedly woke up at 12.30pm after staying up to watch Gintama ep 172-176. She promised herself that she would stop at multiples of five but calmly broke that solemn promise and continued to watch episode 176 whereby she ultimately fell asleep halfway through. She did not set any alarm as she has been sleeping through them the past few weeks and saw no point in continuing the futile practice

I am filled with both astonishment and horror as HH continued to watch 4-years worth of Gintama releases in less one week. I initially thought that this would be another of her many selfish whims as she procrastinates from studying but her determination to avoid studying has proven me wrong. She herself thought that she will eventually get tired of watching Gintama after a few episodes but the ridiculously unpredictable storyline and hilarious cast has wittily stolen her soul. Perhaps this is yet another random exam-time craziness whereby she suddenly finds everything interesting.

I am also worried about her social status. She has done nothing but coop herself in her room and watch anime. She has also been ignoring her only connection to the world; her flatmates. The two of them are kindred souls who accept her introversion and has allowed her unacceptable behaviour of not speaking to them other than the usual 'good morning' before rushing back to her room. Furthermore, I am worried that her flatmates may even come to feel frustrated by HH's continuous chortling as she watches more anime. I hope she grows out of her childish phase and start to face the fact that she is no longer a 12 year old tomboy who likes to watch power-rangers. Twenty two is no joke. She needs to understand the importance of social relations to survive in the world. I'm afraid she's a hikkikomori-in-the-making. I hope her family has the suitable mental preparations for the worst.

She watched another episode as she had her usual breakfast of steamed vegetables, an egg, a bowl of blueberries, a few shortbread biscuits, half a bar of lint 70% dark chocolate and a whole bar of 100g Green and Black hazelnut and raisin milk chocolate. She seems to like this flavour a lot she has eaten four bars of this and two of the Almond flavoured ones in the past month. To this day, I am amazed that she has not developed diabetes or suffer from heart diseases. She stared at the nutritional information on the back of the pack for a while although she has eaten so many bars the past week she has probably memorised the calorific content as well as the amount of sugar and fat content. 502Kcal per 100g she whispers. The usual breakfast totalled to around 1500Kcal. She seems aware that she should not continue this lifestyle. The steamed vegetables simply cannot counter the chocolates. Her health is deteriorating severely. In fact, three days ago, she sprained her back just by sneezing. This would make a ridiculous story but I saw it happen. She sneezed and *snap*. It must have hurt quite a bit because she had tears in her eyes. But that might be caused by that touching episode whereby the dog died. i shall have to casually ask her to find out one day. Otherwise, I worry about her impending gastric pains and shall take careful note of any bruising of her toes. 

Furthermore, I noticed that she has not stepped on the scale as frequently as she used to although she stares at it every time she uses the washroom. I suppose she's deluding herself into thinking that her weight will remain how it was last month as long as she doesn't face it. She is not as clever as she think she is. In fact, she is a fool when it comes to facing facts. 

After gorging her down her breakfast and the usual teeth-brushing, she sat down to continue watching more episodes. She has reached episode 178, an admirable feat. She went down to put her dishes in the sink and chatted with Flatmate A (WY) for a while and left without doing the dishes. I think that her habit of not doing dishes is terrible and if I were her flatmates I would have, without a doubt, beaten her to a pulp and threatened her to always do her dishes after she's done. She only does it the next morning, when she needs the same bowl. She gets on my nerves.

She went to her room and put the new BB cream she got on. Honestly, I have no idea why on earth she puts make up on. First of all, no one pays her any attention. The usual seat she books faces the wall. Only the clock on the wall would be able to see her face. Why would she put makeup on for the clock? Second of all, she usually stays at home even after booking the seat because she can't be asked to move her body. Actually, there was this time when she went and saw someone else occupying her booked seat. In the end, she sat on another seat that was empty and kept staring at the girl who was occupying her seat. I think she has a serious problem with confrontations. After that, she simply didn't bother to book to avoid having to face the trauma again.

Back to the topic of makeup, perhaps she simply likes to procrastinate by putting makeup on. Or perhaps she is trying to fool others around her into thinking she is average-looking. In my honest opinion, I think she looks the same with or without makeup. In fact, without makeup, she looks like an average southeast Asian country girl. With makeup, she looks like an average east asian town girl. Perhaps she is going for the east asian look. I think it's average both ways so there is no point. Furthermore, I think she is a fool. Her skin will suffer from the lack of air and she will undeniably wrinkle like a prune in time to come. From then on, her chances of getting some unfortunate male to marry her will be reduced from 5% to 0.5%. I feel so sorry for her. I hope she will realise this and stop trying to look decent for the clock. 

She couldn't find any excuses to stay at home today as the weather was quite warm and sunny. Without changing, she went out to the library in her clothes she wore to bed. I find her lack of distinguishment between sleeping and normal clothing disgusting. She casually walks out the front door into the outside world in clothes she wore to bed. Does she think that no one would notice she hasn't brushed her hair? Does she think she can fool others into thinking the oily shine of her hair is a result of high-shine products? Does she think no one would notice the wrinkles and fluffs on her tacky yellow dalmation sweater she wears all the time? Does she think that the sleep marks on her face can be covered by makeup? Her ability to delude herself is borderline deranged. I am as amazed as I am horrified.

She got to the library and plopped on a beanbag and slept. I think her sleeping face is very embarrassing but at least she didn't drool. She jolted awake a few times and proceeded to read blogs on her laptop. Instead of studying, she seems to be typing up her next blog post. She thinks she'll seem as if she's working hard just by typing long documents on her laptop while frowning. She doesn't seem like she'll be done anytime soon so I'll stop today's HH watch update for the time being.

On the topic of her exams, however, I have little to say, she needs 3 2.1s out of 4 this year and she doesn't seem to care. It's completely her fault for slacking the past three years and she seems to have given up hope. Instead, she spends her time online window shopping. Perhaps she thinks that she might not be able to do as such when she goes to back to Brunei. It's sad to watch someone who's fallen so low continue to fall.

I wish her the best. I hope she will start working after she finishes her post. 

I read an article on Multiple Personality Disorders for my Advanced Social Anthropology module and it described cases of, well, people with multiple personalities. The conclusion reached was that everyone, innately, has a multiplicity of characters. These characters, or binocular rivalries, fight amongst themselves and usually, one emerges as the victor and thus, crowned as "our true self". In cases where no character wins, multiple personalities emerge and take effect.

I've always attributed my difference in attitude towards people to this phenomenon. In a positivist light, I saw and understood my mood and personality shifts as natural, innate and ultimately useful for social interactions. It makes perfect sense that people behave differently around different people. Maybe, on one hand, you behave spoilt and just plain idiotic among one group while, on the other hand, behave like an older and rolemodel-like in another group. Hence, that strange and awkward moment when you're confused with how to behave when the two groups coincide.

However, I've realised recently that this is simply an aspect but not the entire phenomenon. At least not for myself. In order to satisfy my ego, I've forcefully tried to apply this theory of MPD. But now, I see it as one level of what I consider to be 'me'. 

All my life, I struggle with an overly relativist way of thinking. I have no problems with facts but I don't see the point. I do not believe in anything anybody tells me. Not because it is wrong or right, but because beyond those information we supposedly label as 'knowledge', there is nothing we know for certain. Yes, I do believe in evolutionism. Yes, I do believe in the universe. Yes, yes, I know, the concept behind the big bang. I have no qualms. But what comes after that? What lies beyond this immense space we call the universe? Are we everything? or are we nothing?

In the case of the material: Yes, this a table. It is solid. This is a person, it is living. But, everything we see is processed by the 'brain'. Everything we hear, feel, smell is processed by the brain. What if nothing actually exists? What if the very material, substantial world around us is merely an illusion? What if we're actually nothing?

In terms of the conceptual: Have you considered the weight of your believes in terms of others? Do you believe in the supernatural? Do you not? Why? In this case, I'd like to ask the atheists, what is your proof that the supernatural do not exist? Just because it can't be seen or felt does not mean it doesn't exist. Are you a case of what Gregory Bateson calls, an 'empty-headed atheist'? And hence you make fun of people who do believe in supernatural entities. What is your basis? To those who do believe, how do you do it? How can you place so much trust and faith in something so intangible? Have you considered other religions? What makes you think your religion is the best or 'true'? What makes you think other people don't think and feel the exact same way about their religion? As convinced as you are about something, others may be feeling the exact same way about something else. Do you think your opinion is better because you felt it? What if others experience the exact same thing? Everybody has their own opinions and all bear the same weight. As convinced as I am about one fact, you may be just as convinced about the opposition. Beyond scientific facts, what can you actually claim as 'true' when it comes to the conceptual?

Hence, we don't actually know the truth about both the material (physical) and conceptual (mental), what else is there we know? We know nothing. There is nothing we can actually call as the genuine 'truth' behind ourselves. And this sucks. 

Big time. 

Seriously. 

This is tormenting.

Descartes: This might be the cause of my initial obsession and maybe even partial worship for Descartes. He manages to pinpoints everything I struggle with. Of course, he's not perfect. Who is? But I've received some inspiration from his theories. Cogito ergo sum. "I think, therefore I am". Hence, since I cannot be certain about my surroundings or my thoughts, I might as well start with the most basic foundation: my 'self'. 

Not the case of simple multiple personalities but of metaphysics

I've always noticed that I seem to 'split' my 'self' into more than one. But it's not as simple as multiple personalities. The parts seem to be unitary and yet segregated. This is most evident in the inner dialogues I have. Yes, I have inner dialogues all the time. =.=

I've come to the conclusion that there are three parts of the self:

1. The organism-self

2. The brain-self

3. The mind-self

And all three have their own different consciousness and unique personalities. Hence, "I want to work! But I don't want to work!!" would exemplify a case whereby the mind-self and body-self have clashing volitions. Or the cases when "I shouldn't eat but I want to". 

The organism-self is embedded in nature, extremely volatile and easily affected by the environment and urges. It doesn't talk but communicates with the brain-self with feelings. The brain in turn discusses with the mind-self and both try to work out the signals. The mind-self is just as whimsical and erratic. I take the brain-self to be the mediator and the actual one who considers what is wrong or right before announcing the victor. Honestly, I think my brain-self is weak and is always overpowered by the other two. Those who have a lot of self control must have very strong brain-selves. Practicality over urges.

Anyway, this is just my small insignificant take on the mind-matter dichotomy. 

I have spent way too much time typing this up. Almost two hours!!!! 

As for reality…. I've just done two papers consecutively and honestly, I don't think I'll be able to get a 2.1. I usually don't care about my results but I'm worried. I'm contemplating going back to Brunei and get a &^%$£ job somewhere and just live my life slowly until the day I start to rot. The consequence of not believing in existence is that you don't really get hyped or disappointed about life. It's both a blessing and a curse. I have come to understand why it was a thing for French philosophers to commit suicide.